Stuck Between A "Rock" And A Beer Bottle

I feel like feeling sorry for myself right now.  I seriously wonder why my life has ended up the mess I feel it is.  For all the dreams I had for myself growing up, nothing really has turned out as I planned.  Of course, I dreamed of the "white picket fence" life.  And the perfect job life.  Where is it??  I did have a job I loved, but due to my health, I have had to let my career as a Chef go.  Big sad face!!

So now all I have now is an empty life.  I have had great difficulty trying to get myself to figure out my next step in life.  I would like to move from the area I am in now back towards the mountains I grew up in.  But I am stuck!!!  And I hate it!!!  I am tired of living in this trailer.  Mind you, it is not a trashy place, it is a newer and nice trailer.  But it is not mine and therefore, cannot change carpet or wall color, build on, or upgrade anything.  I watch HGTV alot and get sick of seeing all these young couples looking at houses and buying their first homes.  My boyfriend has no desire to own anything of his own.  He has no desire at all.  That is another imperfection in my life. 

I often wonder why I am not a stronger person when it comes to my personal relationships.  I have been with this man for over 10 years and most of them have been miserable!  Why am I still here, you ask?  I have no clue.  Other than I always hope one day things will get better.  But it's not going to happen, because he does not want to change.  Why should he change?  Because he is the one with the addictions.  He is an alcoholic, chain smoker and also addicted to a drug I just refer to as evil.  And it is not marijuana.  I have my issues too, don't get me wrong.  I can be bitchy, I use food as a crutch and I do have health issues that people in my age group are not used to dealing with.

My life used to be on track, sort of.  I had a job I loved, made good money, and even had some of the money in the bank.  I was building up my credit score and my bills were all paid.  Gee, how quickly things can change.  But I guess I only have myself to blame for the position I am in now.  Because I was not strong enough to tell him to get out years ago.  We did break up once for about a month, a little over three years ago, but patched things up.  However, this was before my heart condition, which left me with alot of time on my hands to think about things.  And let me realize what a deadbeat my boyfriend really is.  Because I had to ask him to do or help me with some things needing done around the house, I realized he does not want to do anything more than what he wants to do.  And that is not much!!!

I have told him I am not happy in the relationship, but he just doesn't seem to hear.  I told him one night after he came home from buying that evil crap, that when I leave him, he will know why.  His response was, "if you were leaving, you would have been gone". Not true!  I am stuck!!  I have no savings anymore, and only survive on the amount I get from disability.  Again, I have arrived back at the point of where I need to decide what I want to do with my life to make money, so I can get some money saved and move!  Wish me luck!

Decisions, Decisions

I need to think outside of the box.  I have been driving myself crazy trying to figure out what to do with my life to make a living.  I keep asking myself why I can't think of anything.  I want to put my creativity to use.  Money earning use.  This is where thinking outside of the box comes into play.  Just because I would not buy something because I can make it myself, does not mean everyone feels that way.  As my other sister once said, not everyone is "crafty".  My dream is to think of a nitch that people with disposable income will be interested in purchasing on a regular basis. 

I was talking to my sister today and we are both in the same boat.  She is creative also and is having a hard time with depending on conventional work.  We both decided it was our own insecurities that was holding us back.  To explain this, we were not given any encouragement growing up to go for out dreams.  Now it is time for us to break out of that rut and become successful women.

Alot of what is holding us back, second to the confidence, is money.  It takes money to purchase materials to create products to sell online.  And neither one of us want to make shabby products.  So we need to get a small list of products developed and out there, then once there are some sales we can take that money and reinvest in more products and expanding mediums.  Wish us luck!

It's Cold Here

I moved to the coastal area of North Carolina about 12 years ago now, searching for warm and sunny, lazy beach days. I lived in the northern part for Virginia in the mountains, where in the winter, it got cold. Well the cold is creeping southward. For the past three weeks, we have been experiencing lower than normal frigid temperatures. They have ranged anywhere from 25 to 38 degrees on average.

Venturing out on a windy day late last week, I came home with some interesting pictures of ice forming over the causeway leading from the barrier island to the little island I live on.

This is a photo of ice formations on the grass along the waters edge of the causeway.

This is a shot of the rocks lining the road that are covered with ice.

I thought it was so interesting that the water froze in a miniature of wave action.

Today was one of the first warm days since the temperature drop.  I think it got all the way up to 48 degrees.  Tomorrow will be warm also and then its back to scarves and gloves again. :-)