Well, it seems to have been awhile since I have posted anything on my blogs. Having just come through a very difficult time in my life, I can now look back and see the amount of pain and misery I was in. Depression sneaks up on you and engulfs your life without you even knowing it.
I can say this now, looking back. But I was definitely depressed, and in denial of it. First, lets start with the heart condition. Cardiomiopathy of the heart, where my heart only works at 25-30% of its capacity. This made any kind of physical activity extremely difficult, from grocery shopping to trying to do some gardening around the house. I was even too tired to keep my house tidy. Every day I took a 3-4 hour nap. I felt trapped.
Lets talk now about being trapped. Because of the heart problem, I put on weight and was not able to loose any of it. I could not stay active long enough to burn it off. My meals I had reduced to eating off the smallest dinner plate I had, referred to as the bread & butter plate. I ate lean chicken and pork, avoided most carbs and ate very little bread. I ate alot of salad with a little ranch dressing cut with apple cider vinegar. (Try it, its good) That's okay, because I love salad. Calories were between 800 and 1200 a day, and still not loosing any weight. I was being smothered by a fat suit that I could not get rid of. I was trapped! This extra weight made me a little self conscience and therefore I avoided the majority of public activities.
People can be very judgmental just looking at someone and not knowing the facts. I have even been guilty of this in the past. They see a large fat person parking in a handicapped parking space and automatically they think, "if they quit eating so much, they wouldn't be so fat". Not realizing, in my situation, my bad heart created the extra weight, not food. But they cannot see that I have a bad heart, I do not wear a sign announcing my heath problem. People with all kinds of "hidden" painful health conditions do not wear signs either.
So, the past few years, I have been trapped in a body I hated. Suffocated by a fat suit that had created a mean, hateful, depressed, miserable human being who just pushed people away. I had no joy in my heart, and the light of my soul was dim. I could have benefited from some help. And I am not talking about help in a prescription pill form. I personally think prescriptions cause more problems than the correct. Maybe having an educated person to talk to, who can spot the signs of depression, would have brought me through that dark time a little easier. I almost lost everything that was important to me in the whole world. My sanity, and the love of my life.
My only answer to the weight issue was weight loss surgery. I had researched the types of surgeries there were for almost four years, trying to decide which one would be right for me. I had my heart issue to consider and the long term effects of the surgical results. There are four common types of weight loss surgery. The Roux-en Y (commonly called Gastric Bypass), Sleeve Gastrectomy, Adjustable Gastric Band, and the Biliopancreatic Diversion with Duodenal Switch. weightloss info Weight loss surgery is a tool, not a miracle cure. You have to follow the plan of eating properly and getting regular exercise.
So now that I have shed over 100 pounds of that awful fat suit that had me trapped, I have become a much happier person. The light has returned to my soul and I no longer push people away. I still have about 50 pounds to go to my goal weight, but I have determination to achieve it. With a slight adjustment to my heart medications, I am now a much more active person. I can get outside and get my hands in the soil and grow my vegetables again. I can take care of my yard and keep the inside of my house neat and tidy. I no longer need a daily nap. I feel so much better mentally. But I do realize now, that I was almost consumed by depression.