Spring Is In The Air

Spring is in the air this week.  The temperatures have been in high 40's and low 50's with lots of sunshine.  I have been doing little bits of yard work at a time, so it does not have to be done all at once.  This week, I hooked up the yard sweeper to the lawnmower and got up all the gumballs that were in the yard.  The gumballs are the miserable things that fall out of a Chinese Oak tree.  I think that's the correct name.  Anyway, thank goodness for the yard sweeper.  Best investment I have made next to the tractor.  I just can't get out there and rake a yard anymore, and I can't stand to see all the mess in the yard either.  That's my dad coming out in me.  I did alot of raking as a kid, and I guess that nice tidy yard has followed me into adulthood.

I pulled some vines and dead tomato plants from around the porch.  Only about five minutes of work at a time, but accomplishing some headway in the yard none the less.  I did that once the past three days.  It gets me outside and a little exercise at the same time.  It is still irritating that I don't have the physical stamina that I once did.  Even these simple tasks drained me on energy.  But like I said, I keep trying. 

The planting bug has bitten me.  I got a few peat pots I had left over from last year and put some squash seeds in them.  I have set them in the back bedroom that I use for storage and hope they will be big and strong when it is time to put them outside.  I need to decide what heirloom tomatoes I want to try and grow this year.  I still have some leftover seeds from a few years ago that should germinate.  I love tomatoes and the heirloom varieties are so interesting.  There is a region and story behind each one.  Much more interesting then coming from the grocery store shelf.  And I grew them with my own hands!  That's the best part! 

Gee, I can't wait for Spring!  :-)

Finding A Long Lost Friend

It is amazing how you can reconnect with an old friend who you have not seen, or talked to, for over 25 years.  Time just rolls back like you were in high school again and talk for hours like it was only ten minutes.  Friends like that are so very valuable and hard to come by.

This very thing happened to me last night, as again, I am up late at night and on the internet and watching TV at the same time.  My sleep patterns are definitely not like those of other people.  I guess they really never have been.  But back to my friend.  I was going through my emails and deleting spam or old stuff and he IMed me.  How cool was that!  He lives all the way up the coast in the Boston area.  It still amazes me sometimes, the ability to have a conversation with someone just like they were right beside you, and actually 800 miles away. We ended up talking on the phone for almost two hours and took me back to my junior high and high school years when we would laugh and have great fun in the halls of school.  Too bad we lost touch after graduating high school.  He went off to college and I went to work.  Then, I moved over 350 miles from home.  Ironically, he had moved further away from home than I had, and in the other direction.

There was nothing better for my well being than this conversation with a long lost friend.  I slept well, without any distracting dreams, after this connection.  Even if it is only long distance, now that I have found a lost friend, I plan to keep in touch.  Now, on to the search for another lost friend!

Just Bideing My Time

I have come to my own conclusion that sometimes two people's energies are bad for each other.  Example being, my boyfriend and I.  When I am away from him, I miss him, like to talk to him on the phone, tell him I love him, and can't wait to see him again.  And then went we are together, I can't wait to be away from him!  I personally believe our electrical currents bring out the bad static in each other. 

Case in point, recently he was away from the house for a week visiting relatives up north.  I had a great week while he was gone.  I cleaned the house and it stayed clean,  I enjoyed my food.  I was relaxed and at peace.  And I even dropped a few pounds that week.  I actually missed him a little during that time too.  But when he came home, everything went right back to the way it had been.  Messy house, not wanting to cook, not feeling good, and well, just sick of having him around.  I am sick of picking up after him, he never wants to try interesting food, and his drinking and drug habits are just too much for me.  And when I try to bring these to light, all he does is roll everything back on me.  So I give up!  It's not worth my energy arguing with him because he does not think he does anything wrong.  So I just bide my time until I can move away. 

Stuck Between A "Rock" And A Beer Bottle

I feel like feeling sorry for myself right now.  I seriously wonder why my life has ended up the mess I feel it is.  For all the dreams I had for myself growing up, nothing really has turned out as I planned.  Of course, I dreamed of the "white picket fence" life.  And the perfect job life.  Where is it??  I did have a job I loved, but due to my health, I have had to let my career as a Chef go.  Big sad face!!

So now all I have now is an empty life.  I have had great difficulty trying to get myself to figure out my next step in life.  I would like to move from the area I am in now back towards the mountains I grew up in.  But I am stuck!!!  And I hate it!!!  I am tired of living in this trailer.  Mind you, it is not a trashy place, it is a newer and nice trailer.  But it is not mine and therefore, cannot change carpet or wall color, build on, or upgrade anything.  I watch HGTV alot and get sick of seeing all these young couples looking at houses and buying their first homes.  My boyfriend has no desire to own anything of his own.  He has no desire at all.  That is another imperfection in my life. 

I often wonder why I am not a stronger person when it comes to my personal relationships.  I have been with this man for over 10 years and most of them have been miserable!  Why am I still here, you ask?  I have no clue.  Other than I always hope one day things will get better.  But it's not going to happen, because he does not want to change.  Why should he change?  Because he is the one with the addictions.  He is an alcoholic, chain smoker and also addicted to a drug I just refer to as evil.  And it is not marijuana.  I have my issues too, don't get me wrong.  I can be bitchy, I use food as a crutch and I do have health issues that people in my age group are not used to dealing with.

My life used to be on track, sort of.  I had a job I loved, made good money, and even had some of the money in the bank.  I was building up my credit score and my bills were all paid.  Gee, how quickly things can change.  But I guess I only have myself to blame for the position I am in now.  Because I was not strong enough to tell him to get out years ago.  We did break up once for about a month, a little over three years ago, but patched things up.  However, this was before my heart condition, which left me with alot of time on my hands to think about things.  And let me realize what a deadbeat my boyfriend really is.  Because I had to ask him to do or help me with some things needing done around the house, I realized he does not want to do anything more than what he wants to do.  And that is not much!!!

I have told him I am not happy in the relationship, but he just doesn't seem to hear.  I told him one night after he came home from buying that evil crap, that when I leave him, he will know why.  His response was, "if you were leaving, you would have been gone". Not true!  I am stuck!!  I have no savings anymore, and only survive on the amount I get from disability.  Again, I have arrived back at the point of where I need to decide what I want to do with my life to make money, so I can get some money saved and move!  Wish me luck!