I feel like feeling sorry for myself right now. I seriously wonder why my life has ended up the mess I feel it is. For all the dreams I had for myself growing up, nothing really has turned out as I planned. Of course, I dreamed of the "white picket fence" life. And the perfect job life. Where is it?? I did have a job I loved, but due to my health, I have had to let my career as a Chef go. Big sad face!!
So now all I have now is an empty life. I have had great difficulty trying to get myself to figure out my next step in life. I would like to move from the area I am in now back towards the mountains I grew up in. But I am stuck!!! And I hate it!!! I am tired of living in this trailer. Mind you, it is not a trashy place, it is a newer and nice trailer. But it is not mine and therefore, cannot change carpet or wall color, build on, or upgrade anything. I watch HGTV alot and get sick of seeing all these young couples looking at houses and buying their first homes. My boyfriend has no desire to own anything of his own. He has no desire at all. That is another imperfection in my life.
I often wonder why I am not a stronger person when it comes to my personal relationships. I have been with this man for over 10 years and most of them have been miserable! Why am I still here, you ask? I have no clue. Other than I always hope one day things will get better. But it's not going to happen, because he does not want to change. Why should he change? Because he is the one with the addictions. He is an alcoholic, chain smoker and also addicted to a drug I just refer to as evil. And it is not marijuana. I have my issues too, don't get me wrong. I can be bitchy, I use food as a crutch and I do have health issues that people in my age group are not used to dealing with.
My life used to be on track, sort of. I had a job I loved, made good money, and even had some of the money in the bank. I was building up my credit score and my bills were all paid. Gee, how quickly things can change. But I guess I only have myself to blame for the position I am in now. Because I was not strong enough to tell him to get out years ago. We did break up once for about a month, a little over three years ago, but patched things up. However, this was before my heart condition, which left me with alot of time on my hands to think about things. And let me realize what a deadbeat my boyfriend really is. Because I had to ask him to do or help me with some things needing done around the house, I realized he does not want to do anything more than what he wants to do. And that is not much!!!
I have told him I am not happy in the relationship, but he just doesn't seem to hear. I told him one night after he came home from buying that evil crap, that when I leave him, he will know why. His response was, "if you were leaving, you would have been gone". Not true! I am stuck!! I have no savings anymore, and only survive on the amount I get from disability. Again, I have arrived back at the point of where I need to decide what I want to do with my life to make money, so I can get some money saved and move! Wish me luck!
